Blame Game

It’s my fault because I changed my mind. I should’ve known that it would happen. Why’d I had to wear that? I was a tease. If only I hadn’t been drinking. I was the only girl, so it was bound to occur. That’s what I get for being there. I shouldn’t have been out so late. I said no, but maybe my body language gave a different message. I’m so weak!

Have you ever thought this way? Have you told yourself similar messages? Are you currently considering or feeling like this? Does someone you know similarly refer to her experiences? I often hear these statements and questions in my therapy practice, and they are referring to being a survivor of the same experience: SEXUAL ASSAULT.

What Is Sexual Assault?

As defined by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), sexual assault is “Any type of unwanted sexual contact. This includes words and actions of a sexual nature against a person’s will and without their consent. A person may use force, threats, manipulation, or coercion to commit sexual violence.” The term sexual assault is also interchangeable with sexual violence and sexual abuse.

Anyone can experience sexual assault. It happens in every community and affects people of all ages, races, genders, religions, and disability levels. Some examples of sexual assault include:

- Being physically forced to have sex

- Sexual violence by a person’s partner or spouse

- Incest and child sexual assault

- Sexual harassment

- Threatening and unwanted sexual advances or contact

- Sexual exploitation and trafficking

- Masturbating in public

- Watching someone engage in private acts without the person’s knowledge or permission

- Nonconsensual image sharing

- Someone having sexual contact with another without consent (such as when the person was asleep or intoxicated)

- Exposing one’s genitals or naked body to another or other(s) without consent

Consent Is about Communication

Consent is an ongoing dialogue about needs, wants, desires, and comfort levels with many sexual interactions. This means that consenting is more than saying “yes” or “no.” It’s not forced. Consent should be freely given and informed. When we consent, it authorizes free will where we can change our minds, and it’s OK.

Sexual Assault and Social Context

There’s a social environment, sociocultural context, or social milieu surrounding sexual assault. Social standards and norms that use power over others condone violence, the subjugation of groups of people (women, girls, people of color, LGBT, people with disabilities, to name a few), traditional constructs regarding masculinity, and silence about abuse and violence contribute and perpetuate the occurrence of sexual violence. “Rape culture;” stereotypes about women; stereotypes about Black, Indigenous, and Women of Color; sexist or misogynistic attitudes towards women, and feminism; contribute to and perpetuate sexual assault. Undeniably, the root cause of sexual assault is oppression in all of its forms (socioeconomic, political, legal, cultural, and institutional).

Sexual Assault and Its Impact

Survivors and loved ones, communities, and societies are impacted by sexual violence. Common emotional/psychological reactions reported by survivors include shame, guilt, self-blame, fear, shock, numbness, and thoughts of isolation. If trauma is left untreated, survivors may experience longer-term emotional/psychological/behavioral negative consequences such as disturbing memories or nightmares, intrusive thoughts, difficulty feeling safe, depression or numbness, anger, irritability, problems with alcohol or other drugs, feeling isolated from others, and issues with sleep. Physically, survivors may be impacted by physical health problems, reproductive issues, personal injuries, risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancy concerns. Economically, survivors may experience medical expenses, needed time off work, and an inability to contribute like previously financially.

Loved ones may experience similar responses and emotional/psychological reactions as survivors, including self-blame, guilt, anger, and fear trying to make sense of what happened to their spouse, partner, child, family member, or friend. Likewise, members of communities and societies may feel fear, anger, and disbelief when they realize what has transpired within their environment. Sexual violence demolishes the safety and trust of others and their sense of belonging to their communities. The economic toll of sexual violence on survivors expands to communities and societies as financial costs rise due to reduced workforce, higher employer turnover, criminal justice expenses, and health care expenses.

Hope and Healing

Undoubtedly, sexual assault is not a “your” or “my” issue. Instead, it’s an “our” issue. Sexual violence is preventable, and we must do our part on multiple levels and in various settings (homes, neighborhoods, schools, faith settings, workplaces) to make a change.

Here are some ways that we can combat or prevent sexual assault:

- Communicate with sexual partners and don’t assume consent

- Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women

- Speak out if you hear someone making an offensive joke or trivializing sexual assault

- Be respectful of other’s space, even in casual situations

- If your loved one says she’s been sexually assaulted, take it seriously and be supportive

- Think critically about media’s messages regarding women, men, relationships, and sexual assault

- Don’t let stereotypes define your actions. Define what womanhood or manhood is for you

- Challenge images of violence against women in advertising, pornography, professional wrestling, and other forms of media

- Utilize the C.A.R.E. approach identified by RAINN (C= Create a distraction, A= Ask directly, R= Refer to an authority, E= Enlist others)

- Teach others about the myths and realities of sexual assault

- Interrupt rape jokes

- Don’t blame survivors of sexual assault for the violence perpetrated against them

- Don’t use substances to get someone to have sex

- Support women and men working to end sexual violence by volunteering your time, donating money, and lobbying legislators

- Recognize that sexual violence will not end until men become part of the solution

As we collaborate and establish norms of safety, respect, equality, allyship, and togetherness, we can prevent and eradicate sexual violence. Together, we can have hope and healing.

Have you experienced sexual assault? Contact me to learn more about the therapeutic services I offer through Asili Wellness. I provide a personalized wellness plan that is aimed at helping you sleep better, improve your mood, concentrate and think more clearly, recover from trauma, and ultimately find comfort in your skin. Below are some additional resources.

Learn more

Sexual Assault Awareness Month is observed in April, and it’s an annual campaign to raise public awareness about sexual assault and educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence.

Additional Resources:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network): 800.656.4673

RAINN is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.

NSVRC (National Sexual Violence Resource Center): The National Sexual Violence Resource Center addresses the causes and impact of sexual violence through collaboration, prevention, and resources.

VA (United States Department of Veterans Affairs: VA uses the term “military sexual trauma” (MST) to refer to sexual assault or harassment experienced during military service. MST includes any sexual activity that you are involved with against your will.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800.273.TALK (800.273.8255)

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They’re committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.