“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”

- Anna Taylor

Boundaries defined

Boundaries are not walls that we put between ourselves and others or between us and situations. And it doesn't mean being selfish or not very empathetic.

The boundary delimits our personal space, and it's useful for our physical, mental, and emotional safety. It creates an invisible limit, a "window of tolerance" that determines trust, emotional stability, and self-esteem. It dictates rules, limitations, and behaviors, defines and protects our identity, and makes us feel safe regardless of life experiences.

Boundaries are an inviolable right beyond which others, without our permission, cannot enter. It allows us to avoid harmful or unacceptable behaviors on the part of others. It helps manage problems and choose the actions or words that protect this space. It will be a YES if we want or a clear NO if we don't like something.

Bodily cues that boundaries are violated

We instinctively know when someone invades or doesn't respect these boundaries by entering this personal space that we can define as "intimate." The body signals it immediately, and it's an infallible guide to listen to:

The body stiffens.
We feel a tightening of the stomach.
We cross our arms or legs.
We perceive a sense of emotional discomfort.

We can also feel emotions such as anger or fear. The impulse is to carry our arms forward as if to draw an "imaginary line" between us and the other. These reactions act to defend our privacy and ourselves from what we perceive as a violation.

Breaking of boundaries

The breaking of boundaries can be expressed with thoughts, feelings, behaviors and actions such as:

Feeling used, judged, victimized or not respected by others, feeling that we are disturbing;
Difficulty affirming our will and letting ourself be persuaded to do things we are not convinced of;
Difficulty saying "no", accepting criticism or "no" from others;
Being too close to each other or too far away;
Showing excessive tolerance to provocations, compromises, blackmail, seductive looks or situations deemed unacceptable;
Investing a lot of time and energy in work or relationships and receiving less and less: giving more and more to others and less and less to oneself;
Taking too much responsibility for the actions and emotions of others or asking someone else to take their own;
Needing the approval of others, rather than satisfying the desire to express oneself;
Often getting involved in the problems of others or entangled in situations that do not concern us;
Getting caught up in unhealthy or unwanted relationships with the difficulty in getting out of dangerous or destructive relationships or situations, which take away energy and enthusiasm;
Thinking that we do not deserve attention, love and esteem or something better than what we have;
Believing that one's emotional well-being derives solely from having satisfied the needs and requests of the partner in order to replace one's own needs with those of the other up to the point of ceasing to desire;
Conforming to the ideas of others for fear of the opinions of others. Fear of losing attention or of being less loved if you deviate from their way of doing and being;
Being easily influenced, always indecisive, easily submissive to family, partner, children;
Difficulty keeping personal information to ourself;
Acting intrusively or disrespecting the boundaries of others;
Feeling guilty about fulfilling one's desires. For example: “I don't go to the gym because my spouse feels lonely when I'm not there”.
Feeling guilty in openly stating our ideas.

Types of boundaries

Healthy boundaries guide our relationships and overall daily functioning. Here are seven boundaries we need to build and preserve:

Physical boundaries- these boundaries pertain to our comfort levels with touch, our personal space, and our physical needs such as eating food, drinking water, and resting.
An example is taking a step back if someone sits too close to you.
Emotional boundaries- include honoring and respecting our feelings, emotions, and energy. It’s also honoring and respecting feelings and energy of others. It’s recognizing our own emotional bandwidth, knowing when to share and not to share, and setting limits with emotional sharing. Emotional boundaries includes validating our own emotions and the emotions of others.
An example is expressing “I’m noticing that this is becoming very upsetting for me. I need to pause.”
Time boundaries- setting time boundaries means understanding that time is valuable and its importance of protecting how it’s utilized. With time boundaries we understand prioritizing and not overcommitting.
An example is stating to a supervisor “Evenings are reserved for family time, and I’ll respond to any emails after 6pm in the morning.”
Sexual boundaries- healthy boundaries include agreement, consent, respect, privacy, and understanding of preferences and desires.
An example is telling your partner “I’d like to be touched like this.”
Material boundaries- this type of boundary refers to possessions and items such as money, clothing, home, jewelry, furniture, vehicle, and more. Understanding what can and can’t be shared, treatment of items, and expectations of possessions and items is included.
An example is saying “Please don’t borrow my car without asking.”
Intellectual boundaries- our thoughts, ideas, and curiosity are part of intellectual boundaries. Respecting our own ideas and the ideas of other people, willingness to dialogue, and considering whether or not it’s a good time to discuss is having healthy intellectual boundaries.
An example is telling your co-worker “I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”
Spiritual or religious boundaries- this boundary protects our right to believe as we choose, worship as we desire, and practice our spiritual or religious beliefs.
An example is saying at the meal “I’m going to take a moment to pray silently before we eat.”

Redefining boundaries

Redefining personal boundaries becomes possible when we recognize and delimit our space from others and defend ourselves from others' abuse of power. When we begin to pay attention to what belongs to us and what belongs to others, we've established boundaries.

Through a healing path: working on one's personal experience, and using specific exercises, visualizations, and strategies to experience the invasion at the emotional level, we can recognize it and make aware of the activated reactions and actions. We can begin to modify the dysfunctional responses and replace them with more functional ones, recreating one's own space and balance. We can ultimately build and preserve our boundaries.

How are you doing with building and preserving your boundaries? If you like, tell us about your journey. We would love to read your experience!

Asili Wellness offers yoga therapy merged with traditional talk therapy to improve your health and well-being. Through our Yoga + Talk Therapy sessions we work with you in creating your happy and enhancing your ability to naturally promote health, prevent disease, encourage self-care, and foster healing in your own life!